I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
