Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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