i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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