I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
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He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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