I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
