Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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