Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
