the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I am midnight drunk by noon
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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