How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
