you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
