guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
