if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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