Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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