you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
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he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
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I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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