I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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