chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
