I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
