capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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