What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
