you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Randomize
