Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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