i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
