You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
