you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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