Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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