I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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