i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
