Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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