I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
