It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Who died my cat blue again?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
