How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
