Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize