Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
