im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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