I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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