he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I need to calm my uterus...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
