I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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