At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
