Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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