he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
