Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
