dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You took a bar mat shot.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
