all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
