im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
