I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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