You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
