It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
