Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
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