I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I've blown a few things in my day
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Randomize
