The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
