He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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