So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
