the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
It's never too late to be topless.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
