you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
