im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
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What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
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Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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