my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
