Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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