____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize