why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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