sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
